I really wish I were back in the US lately.  A few reasons why:

1.  My Internet keeps cutting out.  I mean it happens two or three times a week because of all the construction going on in my area… apparently people in construction keep cutting through random cables.

2.  My cell reception is super poor inside the apartment.  Come to think of it, my cell reception is more or less poor everywhere I go.  There are actual dead spots in popular areas like Ren Ai circle!  I just don’t get it!

3.  There is no stable hot water in my apartment.  And yes I’ve tried messing with the heater tank.  It just won’t stay steady.  So I basically haven’t been able to take a nice, long shower at home since I’ve moved in here.

4.  My parents left the door open this weekend for two hours before I noticed and now the apartment is infested with cockroaches.  One literally bit my face tonight. MY FACE.  I screamed for about ten minutes before shooing it away.  It’s probably making baby cockroaches all over the place right now.

UPSET.  Ugh.  I know it’s taken me two years to get to here.  But maybe these feelings would have better served me, oh, I don’t know, four months ago, before I accepted a 2 - 3 year gig in Taipei.  Not cool.

i LOVE the in treatment series.  last week while watching it finally clicked in me - how women use sex, and what it is to have a healthy relationship with sex.  i think a majority of sex had, especially with single people, ends up being unhealthy sex.  drunken, mistaken, pre-emptive, self-destructive, motive-driven… anyway.  so that was the realization last week.  

this week while watching i realized what parenthood really is.  i mean, there’s a lot involved in parenthood, childbirth, etc — but it’s really the ultimate in terms of humiliation, sacrifice.  to be so open and vulnerable with your child - that’s what having a child requires… for a healthy relationship anyway.  

it occurred to me today that while my mother does really desperately want me to be married off someday (and more likely than not, she’d like it sooner rather than later), i was not really raised to be a good wife.  i see a lot of the high school kids - some accomplished, some not - but it’s easy to see the ones who were raised to become good wives & mothers.  i kind of feel like this was not so much part of my bringing up.  or maybe my personality is just strong enough that i never listened.  kind of sad, but i guess i’m trying to learn now.  

one of the greatest things about realizing what you physically look like and where you stand on that social ladder is the enormous sense of liberation that comes with it.  once you realize that you’re *not* pretty, that you don’t *need* to worry about these things, because they are what they are, you feel so much more comfortable in your skin.

i think i have been going through this lately. my aunties have always said that i am attractive, and i guess i have more or less believed them, for a long time.  which resulted in this constant unhappiness with myself… i would think to myself, i know i have POTENTIAL to be pretty, but somehow i feel that i just haven’t realized it today, or yesterday, or ever.  why?! — anyway, i thought about it today, while looking at facebook photos of other girls, and i GOT it.

i mean, i’m not pretty.  it’s like not being good at math or something.  although i am quite good at it (ok not a math major but just good enough to do the tech thing).  point is, it’s just what i am.  and now that i know it, i can move past it.  it’s also kind of like being hung up on a guy who keeps leading you on.  you keep believing that there could be something there, until the day you realize there really isn’t and won’t be.

i think that’s my relationship to my appearance.  of course i am not completely at peace with it - but getting better, and it’s been a relief :)

mostly because i can’t go to yoga this week because of work :(

20 sun salutations (5a, 5b with warrior1, 5b with warrior2, and 5b with warrior3)
standing inversions (trikonasana, parsvakonasana)
seated highlights (purvottanasana, janu sirsasana, mirichiyasana, navasana, bujapidasana)
full finishing sequence

should take about 75-90 mins.  the 20 sun salutations will make my practice more yang, but also more leg strengthening — the plan is to stop for five breaths on the first and last iteration of each cycle.  

the standing inversions i would take out, but they’re still important for inversion & back flexibility, so i’m keeping them in.  i took out a lot of the more yin poses (prasarita padhottanasana, parsvottanasana), and took out the balance poses too — the yin poses i think i’m generally pretty ok with, and the balance poses were a tough call.  

i struggle with balance, but i think this new sequence will teach me a different kind of balance, that is warrior 3; i think it’ll be good to introduce a different kind of balance pose to my practice anyway.

this new sequence that i’m trying out will essentially place emphasis on strength and inversions/binding.  i think there is still a large amount of balance embedded in the practice because the inversions require a lot of balance as well.